---
title: Episode 1 Make Love Not War
episode_number: 1
era: early
source_file: Episode 1 Make Love Not War.mp3
audio_size_mb: 56.2
duration_sec: 1843.1
duration_min: 30.7
language: en
provider: deepgram
model: nova-3
diarized: true
confidence: 0.993
transcribed_at: 2026-05-27T16:50:41Z---

# Episode 1 Make Love Not War

**Speaker 0:** Alright, you beautiful buses. This is Tom Torero with the first ever Tom Torero podcast. And I've been deliberating for a while, really, whether to do them to kick this series off because a, I wasn't sure if I was gonna commit to it weekly, but I have and I am. And secondly, I was thinking, well, has everything that could be said about daygame been said already in terms of technicality and outer game and inner game and whatever? There's been lots of podcasts about daygame and guys have read my books and they know the journey and they know the the model and the blah blah blah. So what's left to be said? And then a few guys said to me, well, it'd be nice to hear the story behind what you do and what you get up to in your life and how you've come to be where you are and hear a few failure stories and generally what I get up to rather than just teaching technical day game. So I thought, yeah, I'm gonna do it. It's gonna be diverse. It's gonna be beyond the number. So it's not just about collecting girls numbers during the day, but it's about my traveling and it's about my lifestyle and my income and about my health. And of course, it's about cold approach, picking up girls in various random situations and random countries. And soon this will be available on iTunes. So give me a few days to get this approved by Apple so they know it's just not 100% filth, and then it'll be downloadable from iTunes, which will be cool. First of all, on episode number one, I wanna say cheers. A big fat meaty cheers. For all of the guys that have supported what I do and they've supported me from the moment I started for, if not five years ago now. And they're fans of the new website. You've got the new book. You've got the first book daygame. You supported Badass Buddha, whatever. This is not meant to be an upsell. This is just meant to be thanking the guys that have supported what I do and the YouTube stuff as well. So cheers for that. I should say I'm not really doing much teaching at the moment. I'm doing a lot of Skype coaching, that is true. But I'm not doing the boot camp schedule that I was doing last year where I'm training every weekend and doing loads and loads of residentials and one on ones. So I've talked for a long time now and I needed a bit of time off from that to concentrate on other things. So the only upsell I will do is that if you're in London and you're interested in a boot camp with some of the best daygamers in the world, Then my instructors, Dave Diggler and Sam Django, along with the legendary Rami who started it all off, they're doing London boot camps. So I'm not gonna go on about them. But on my behalf, they're teaching London boot camps. Go on the website and you'll see the dates. Anyway, it's been an epic year so far. I've been with Dave and John Matrix in The USA. We did we did Miami. We did Austin, Texas. We did Vegas. We did LA. And I was in Bulgaria. I've been to the Baltics, Lithuania, Latvia, Estonia. I've been to the Balkans, the crazy Balkans. I've been to Prague a lot, to Portugal to speak at an amazing conference there early this year, to Germany, to Austria, and obviously to big wild batshit crazy Russia where I am right now recording this podcast. And I'm about to go to Siberia, take a train across half of Russia to Siberia to see somebody and have a bit of a Trans Siberian adventure. And then after that, in October, I'm going to be in Croatia and a little bit in Prague. And then November, I've got to do some same amount teaching. I've got to go and do some private teaching in Asia and Dubai in November. And then in LA for some witnessing in December with my mate and my instructor, Alan. And that's where we're gonna finish filming my infields in sunny LA for December. So that's my year, and that's enough about what I'm doing. Before I kick off today's topic, a weird random story about last night because I was drifting off to sleep quite early because I had had too much Guinness the night before in this weird karaoke bar. But, anyway, I was drifting off to sleep, and I heard this on my door, and I ignored it. And then a second later, there it was again. So in my pants, opened it, went out to the main door, unlocked that, and there were three hookers. Three, as you can imagine, quite fit Russian hookers standing there. And I wasn't sure whether I was dreaming. They weren't there for me. I'm not a fan of that. But behind me was a very short, fat, bald, old Russian dude who who didn't have a key to unlock the main door. So he was having a good night. He was gonna about to have a foursome with three hookers. And I drifted off to the sound of him nailing them down the corridor. So there you go. If all else fails, you can always get three Russian hookers. But that's not the topic for today. If anything, that's the opposite because the topic for today is on how beautiful and wonderful and lovely and loving and soft and gentle and gorgeous women are. And that's not to say I'm trying to identify with being feminine. I'm myself to be feminine or I'm not getting an all all esoteric and hippie and self help. You're saying that we should love everybody and everything. But I'm saying, to get good at this, whatever you wanna call it, game or pickup, cold approach, certainly daygame, you've got to, in your heart, love women. You've gotta love what you do. You've gotta remove all this bile, all this bitterness, all this darkness, all this negativity which seeps out. If you read internet forums and YouTube comments and certain websites and groups of websites, it really stands out. It's quite obvious that the guys that are trying to pick up girls and seduce girls and get them into bed actually on some level hate women. Now first of all, can say I I can understand where perhaps these guys are coming from. If you've been through a divorce like I have or a girl cheated on you or she left you or perhaps she took some of your money or there's problems with kids if you had a kid together, I can understand that men are angry. And to to get back, if you like, at these these circumstances in their lives, then you say, okay. Well, I'm gonna dominate women. I'm gonna work out the secret codes, I'm gonna get my own back by, a, nailing them. And b, if that doesn't work, just having a go at them, ganging up, and getting into this idea that there's a conspiracy. It's a bit like when people think, you know, they like to put blame on other things. They don't look inwards, they look outwards and they say, okay, well, it's the government's fault. There's a conspiracy there. It's this conspiracy theory. It's this conspiracy theory. We try to blame anything apart from ourselves. Yeah? So we blame our parents. We blame God. We blame girls instead of getting off our own ass. So it's nice and easy to cast blame and shame girls for being fat, girls, calling them sluts. Or I've written down a few comments here that I read the other day on a on a pickup forum about how to meet women during the day. One guy said, they make me puke. Why are women so nasty? Another guy replies, well, 99% of women these days are sluts. Underneath that, a guy's written disgusting. So as we can see, men have been burnt for whatever reason and negativity is easier to cast than positivity. And this is not a podcast about self help or universal happiness. This is a podcast about love, not in the Disney sense, but love in that beautiful sense of transcending our shut selfish genes, transcending this nature red in tooth and claw because, yeah, I understand. I'm not idealistic. There's no utopia where conflict doesn't exist and everybody loves each other because evolution is driven by conflict, by war, by fighting. That is our animal selves. But we do have this ability to be selfishly positive. What do I mean by that? Well, it's actually selfishly cool to be altruistic to help other people because it's win win. When you give value, yeah, it's cool for that other person. But actually, on a selfish level, it's really cool for you because it makes you feel better. It's win win. That's why seduction when it's done properly is win win because you go out, you do daygame. As I say to students, I say open with love. Open with love. Do it from a place of joy and happiness. Then she feels really cool. You feel really cool. And there's this upward spiral of positivity. That's what we're getting at. I'm not saying that there's this utopian existence when men and women hug each other and dance around in the Garden of Eden. I'm saying do it for yourself. Be nice to other people for yourself. I'm not preaching the gospel here. I'm not preaching Islam. I'm saying do it selfishly for you. Love women for you because everything will go better. Okay? So let's think about this in more detail. If we stop blaming women, we can actually take a bigger risk of looking inside ourselves and thinking where do all these negative feelings come from? Why do we feel so angry? What triggered all this stuff off? And a good example of this would be guys saying, well, girls put me in the friend zone. Rather than realizing that it's us as men that put ourselves in the friend zone by our behavior. Okay? Same with the guy saying, god, women are just fucking gold diggers. You know, every woman I date, she takes my money. I buy all the stuff and then she leaves me. I can't believe it. But again, just like the friend zone, it's us as men. When I say you, mean it's me doing it as well. We put ourselves in either the lover box or the provider box. And then we're shocked when a woman behaves the way she does. Yeah? Same with a woman being rude. I remember a great great quote somewhere where it said something like, if you're getting a lot of bad service in restaurants and cafes, that's probably because you're being a bad customer. But think about that one, yeah. If you're in everywhere you go, you think, god, people are just horrible. The world is so terrible. It's so dark. I just see darkness everywhere. Violence everywhere. Oh, the world is terrible. Stop and think. What you perceive is real. Yeah. So if you think that the world is terrible and dangerous and horrible and women are nasty, that's what you're gonna look for. That's where your eyes gonna fall. You're gonna find evidence to support that. And you're gonna be right. So if you if you're giving off negative vibes in a restaurant and in a cafe, then yeah. The service staff, the waitresses, the waiters are gonna be negative back. So what you feel, she feels. So if you're running in and remember, you know, you can try and hide it verbally, but girls are very astute. They they scan you like a barcode. Women are amazingly good at reading emotions. That's hard right genetically. So when you run-in and even if you're doing that kind of grin and trying to trying to compliment her and and you're saying the same thing each time. If there's a lot of hate inside, if there's a lot of anger and, you know, because a girl's just quote unquote rejected you five minutes down the road and you're like, oh, what a bitch. God. She was such a bitch. Anyway, let's try again. Excuse me. Hi. Women are gonna sense that. So what you feel, she feels. And it really is true that if you can get this this I hate to sound woolly and spiritual, if you can get this centered, this gravity feeling of peace or at least some form of positivity inside you, then you'll see dramatic results in your day game. I'll come back to that because it sounds esoteric. It sounds like I'm Tony Robbins, but that's not what I'm talking about. Remember, selfish altruism if you don't wanna get all religious. And I often use the story of thinking, well, okay, imagine you look up at birds who are flying in the sky. And now you either have a choice to say, wow, that's amazing. They're very different from us mammals. That's pretty cool, you know. There they are flying around. Or you could say, god, it's a conspiracy, you know. Birds looking down at us and laughing at us because we can't fly. Listen, I can hear them laughing. They're laughing everywhere and they even shit on my head on purpose. I can't believe it. It's terrible. I think we should exterminate all birds, you know. Again, same same object in the sky, a bird, but two different realities created by thought patterns. So men are looking at women as this this enemy. It's like two armies fighting. And men are seeing what women do as some kind of conspiracy. Like women are out to get men. There's that theory that women are ganging up. They've got ulterior motives and the only way to the only way to win is to is to demolish them by either fucking them or just overpowering them. So I see all these blogs and all these articles and all these websites. It's just the male equivalent of feminism. There's just as many blogs by men where they bicker and they argue even amongst themselves. It's just like the equivalent, the masculine equivalent of femininity where it's just this desire to dominate, this desire to win. When you've just got to stop, step back and think, look, it's a lion and it's a gazelle. Okay? They don't hate each other. You can't have the lion without the gazelle. You can't have the predator without the prey. This is how nature exists. You can't, in Wimbledon, have a final without two competitors. Imagine if the competitors just looked at each other before they went on court or while they were on court and they were, god, I can't believe he's there. I can't believe he's trying to hit that ball back to me. What a selfish bastard. The nature of competition, the nature of evolution is that one thing affects another. And the environment is both the physical environment and the other organisms in that environment. So the the often misquoted arms race between men and women or great white shark and yourselves, It's not that there's some grand scheme where there's a prize, there's this upward march of evolution where there's a summit and somebody wins. It's just the nature of the blind watchmaker in that one thing affects another thing. That's that's the basics of evolutionary biology. So men need women and women need men. We co evolved. So even though we use words like arms race or you compare game and pick up and date into chess, people making moves and we even call it a game or we're playing a game. It's a blind game and it's a fun game. The game has no meaning apart from genetic replication. That's just it is what it is. So step back and realize, yeah, men and women are different. Women are behaving just like we are on a very genetic level. They're doing many many things subconsciously, unconsciously. So a lot of men think women are doing things consciously. And sure, just like there are a percentage of the male population who are pretty pretty nasty, they're doing things negatively out of spite. There are some women that do that. But largely, women behave subconsciously. And yet they lie just like men. Men lie. But often women don't realize they're lying certainly in the dating sphere. Just like us, it's part of this evolved game. And there's reasons why they have to present themselves as innocent angels to protect their own backs and it's part of their mating strategy. Yeah. Their dual mating strategy. We've got a mating strategy. They've got a mating strategy. And women bless and they they don't even understand themselves. So it's pointless trying to rationally argue about these kind of topics because they don't even understand it themselves. And that's not to be patronizing towards women. That's to say, like I mentioned in Buddhist Buddha, that it's great to think of women in this respect as children. Not to say they're stupid and incapable, but just like we say children are wonderful and lovely and magical and full of joy and wonder. A child doesn't really know why he's behaving the way he does, why she's behaving the way she does. She's just a child and she needs your help. The child needs your help. The child needs your boundaries. The child needs your love. It's tough love. The child needs you to feel like a child. You're the rock. They're the the kind of the stormy weather and they test you. And again, it's unfortunate this word test, shit test. The woman's testing you because it implies she's doing it consciously but it's largely unconscious and it's healthy for women to test just like it's healthy for children to push push your butt and see where the line is because they need that need that feeling of being put in their place from a place of love. So it's tough love from from positivity. Some people call that soft dominance. Completely different to being aggressive and trying dominate a child through fear and through just violence. It's the same with some men trying to win this this game of mating chess through through fear and scaring women and dominating them in every way they can whether that's that's writing a book about how evil women are or believing in this conspiracy theory. So the oft quoted phrase is true. Don't listen to her words. Listen to her accents. It's the same with a child. Don't listen to what a child is the same look at what the child does, and that will tell you a lot about hardwired behaviors. And don't don't resent this drama that women create. It's very normal for women to create drama. That's how they they push up against you to see if see if your value is real or not. See what kind of a man you are. That's part of their mating strategy. And as I said, all of this is evolved and it's hardwired and it's subconscious. Okay. So when men are calling women sluts or you know, there's this weird thing on the internet where men are shaming women for being fat. Well, let's stop and take a look at ourselves. Let's not have double standards. As all religious traditions say, you know, if you if you're gonna throw stones, don't live in a glass house because someone's gonna immediately throw one back at you. So look all the men who who are also overweight, obese, not making use of their potential value. It's massively in the male's mating strategy favor to to pump and dump to sleep with girls, spread his seed. As part of the female mating strategies, I've talked about in other videos to upgrade hypergamy to have this dual mating strategy where you have a provider to look after the kids, but you also have the lover to ensure alpha genetics. So to blame women for for their sexual behavior is just like blaming men for their sexual behavior. You should neither side blame the other. Again, see I'm using the word side as if it's this this war, this conspiracy war, but it's not. It's as much as a side as the tiger is against against its prey. And men have this this double standard thing where they wanna marry the Madonna and fuck the whore. They're shocked when they find out there's this quote unquote secret society where women are also enjoying sex with lovers and they don't wanna hear it. Often, think that's the reason why men are getting really angry because they don't wanna hear it. It's okay for us guys to have a great sex life and, you know, get a bit misogynistic. I know nothing wrong with a bit of the old comedy misogyny because that just defines our masculine polarity. If it's coming from a place of strength, it's fine. And I know this guy is gonna be saying, you you posted a Chris Rock video and you know, you talk about banging bitches and you put up videos online of your conquest. But that's very different to to being all dark and really seriously misogynistic online and really hating women and really trying to get your own back besom. And then you see that when guys talk about swallowing the red pill. There's a a large collection of websites on the internet, if you don't know, called the manosphere where guys talk about this new red pill knowledge. But I don't read that stuff and I I tell other guys largely to stay away from most of those sites because even though the biology in that information is true and a lot of the social theories on those sites are true, they're written by men who are coming from this dark place, from this bitter angry place. It's like swallowing the pill but not reading the instructions on the side of the box on side of the box. And those instructions say, combine all this knowledge like I say in Badas Buddha. That's the 10% with 90% action. Radical, relentless action. And action means going to talk to women, spending time with women, Spending time on the street with girls, doing a bit of day games, spending time in coffee shops, going on instant dates, going on dates, getting girls over, sleeping with girls, hanging out with girls, getting into a relationship if that's what you want on the lover provider spectrum. But how many hours I've spent with women in the last five years has taken me to this place where I absolutely love them. Now, not love in the Disney monogamous sense, but I love all their nuances. I love the way they smell. I love the way they walk. I love how hot they are. I love their flat stomachs. I love their asses. I love their hair. I love their giggles. I love their weird little jokes. I love them on so many levels in bed. I love them conversationally sometimes. I love how they can compliment me. They can make me feel masculine. That's awesome how if you love women, you love femininity. That's not to say you want to be feminine. I think a lot of guys go, you know, Tom's siding with women. He's taking their side. He's not on team man. No. Quite the opposite. I'm saying that if if you love women like I do, it makes you feel more masculine because you don't have to pretend about this caricatured paper alpha thing. It's a bit like people doing, you know, or getting really into theoretical martial arts but never actually having a fight. That's what a lot of the the Internet is awash with. Guys who are thinking about game, commenting on game, writing about game, but not spending time with women, which is really what we should be doing this for. Yeah. It's like reading lots and lots of books on chess theory and getting angry that you've got an opponent. Well, no. The joy of reading a lot of chess theory, guess, I don't play chess, is so you can get better at chess and enjoy the game. And That's what they mean by good sportsmanship. Where you respect your player. Respect the other player. You respect their cleverness and the fact that they might have been better at you that time. If a field kicks my ass, I say, yeah, well, she had better game, whatever. Now, I'm not pretending to be Jesus Christ or Gandhi or some kind of Buddha. I say this in the badass Buddha. I'm not walking around as the badass Buddha saying that I'm perfect and I love women all the time and I'm always positive and always happy because that is utopian. And of course, there's many times when I've been rejected or on dates when a woman's playing up, I get reactive. And I feel angry towards women who actually flakes on me. Especially at the last minute if, you know, five minutes before the date she flakes, you do feel angry. And I have a deep desire to just, know, put up a post about it, how all women are horrible and I never wanna do the game again. You've gotta breathe. Just like in all aspects of your life, you've got to remember that we have the ability to rise above these thought patterns. We control the weather in our own head. As many of you know, I've suffered from anxiety and clinical depression and stress. And at the heart of learning to to live with this, you never really get over all that stuff. You you learn to live with it and deal with it and recognize it. The realization is that you control the weather in your own head. So it takes just as much effort to be a really miserable bastard as being a really positive bastard. Now I know I said earlier, it's easier to cast blame and be negative on YouTube videos and blogs and whatever. But that actually triggers this whole domino cascade of of things in your life. So if you're if you're constantly going around bickering, gossiping and feeling resentful and feeling hatred, those feelings will spiral downwards and affect all areas of your life. I noticed that it affects my digestion and then it affects your sleep. It affects your relationships with your friends and then your family then how you are at work and how you function. Your whole life can go out of control just from little seeds of negativity, little seeds of depression taking hold. And the same is true for positivity. I'm not talking about Ronald McDonald, American universal happiness, finding the cure for happiness or finding the secret of happiness because that's utopian. Humans are not designed evolutionary to be happy. We're designed to survive and and fuck. So happiness is a byproduct but it's cool because we we're in control of it. We can selfishly be positive. We can do positive things. And I'm gonna do another podcast about how to keep positive. But the tips I've already said on previous YouTube videos, things like stop watching the news, stop identifying with group things, stop leaving hateful comments, stop gossiping, let go of angry thoughts, being grateful every day thinking of how lucky we are. All these simple things add up and even though all that sounds hippie and once again sounds like new age self help stuff, It's not because selflessly it's gonna improve your outer game, your your daygame. Because when you stand in front of a girl in your present and you feel that glow, that ready bright glow of warmth and the love for the girls, She senses it too and humans are in awe of somebody that can stand there psychologically naked. People will travel across continents to speak to people who have this presence, who have this charisma, who have this love, who have this humanity about them. It's recognizable. It's tangible. It's not some woo woo weird energy spiritual thing. It's simply that we recognize somebody who's in full control of the weather in their own head and they're beaming sunshine. And I've spoken about it somewhere, this book that I love called Love two point zero by Barbara Friedrichsen. I'll put the link below. And that's a scientific study of this phenomenon. Why it feels so cool when you're in this bubble with a girl and there's these emotions flowing back and forth. What that what that actually is and why it's so powerful and why eyes are powerful and proximity is so powerful. And why that, I. E. Daygame for us, affects everything else in our lives positively. And recently, made that video which I put on YouTube called this is my door. I think that's what it was called. Where I'm just describing how daygame is my therapy. Daygame is my door into flow. And you can only get that magic, that flow from daygame if you love what you're doing. Okay? So take the blame on yourself. Stop blaming girls in a conspiracy group. Stop blame blaming the government. Stop blaming your parents. Stop blaming something that happened to you years and years and years ago. Remember that you now have control. That's not esoteric. That's not self help. That is a truth. So right now, as you're listening to this, right now you can make a conscious decision to change your your spotlight, to change your focus from all that time consuming, energy consuming, dark negativity. And you can choose to put that spotlight. You can choose to concentrate daily. You can choose to exercise that mental muscle of positivity, of love, of forgiveness, of connection, of feeling masculine because of loving the feminine. Alright? Now I hope that didn't come across as as hippie like I said because self help can be a buffer to do anything. Self help can be an addiction which just stops men actually helping themselves. So a lot of self development, new agey kind of stuff. As I said in the past, I don't like. I'm talking about something completely different. I'm talking about taking action, facing your fears on the street by spending most of your time, 90% of your time talking to women, spending time in women's company, loving women. So making love rather than war. Speak to you on the next episode. Ta da. Please hang up and try again.