---
title: Episode 106 Player Shaming
episode_number: 106
era: mid
source_file: Episode 106 Player Shaming.mp3
audio_size_mb: 52.9
duration_sec: 1732.9
duration_min: 28.9
language: en
provider: deepgram
model: nova-3
diarized: true
confidence: 0.996
transcribed_at: 2026-05-27T16:52:27Z---

# Episode 106 Player Shaming

**Speaker 0:** Tom Torero podcast, a 106 on player shaming or sexual shame, sexual guilt. Before we talk about this rather heavy topic today, news on the world tour. The boot camp places Munich in Germany is sold out for the July boot camp. There are two places left in Los Angeles on the July 15. There is one place left for London, that's the July 1. One place left for New York City on the July 8, one place left for Sydney on the July 22. If you want to take that place, tomtomterrero dot com. More information on the world tour is on my blog. All right, player shaming. Coming from guys, we're going to talk about how other guys who are in monogamous stable relationships, settled down with girlfriends, married, very religious, very devout, very traditional, very political. How they shame casual sex and more importantly biologically, why do they shame the player? It was based on an email I got from a guy called James in Ontario in Canada. I'll just read you a bit of it. He says, Tom, I like some of your material, but I think we all know that it's time for you to start a family and work towards saving western civilization. By casual sex, you are taking away girls from other men are willing to put in the work to make the world more stable and greater. You have had your player years, so now isn't it time to do the noble thing to hang up your boots, roll up your sleeves and take on the real challenge of having kids with a high quality girl. Wow. So much in just that paragraph of a much much longer email to unpick. Now I'm not having a go at James. This paragraph from this email is representative of a much bigger issue that I've spoken about in terms of purple pill, white knighting, Purity Fantasy, all those things we'll explore a little bit more today. Maybe you recognize some of your own thoughts in what James was just saying, their key quotes that you might have heard on the monosphere, saving western civilization, do the noble thing, find a high quality girl, family. You recognize some of these phrases, I'm sure, because they're very popular, particularly at the moment. Guys are on a crusade to shame not only being a player but to shame masturbation, to shame this lifestyle of being a bachelor, of not getting married, of choosing not to have children, of having consensual fun, wild crazy sexual experiences around the world. Some guys love it, percentage I'm sure, a large percentage of people listening to this podcast or people that follow my material, they enjoy it, they lick the lid of life along with Tom Torero but there's a percentage of guys who despite enjoying some pickup knowledge and some game knowledge, they really really don't like this And that's why I said we're gonna talk about player shaming from men. Because weirdly, if you think about it, who gets more pissed off about men having casual sex? Is it men or women? And instinctively, a new guy, an innocent guy would say, well, women. You know, if you cheat on a girl, she's gonna get really angry and women don't like players and women don't like bad men. But no. If you've got enough sexual experiences, if you've been in game a long time, if you've dated a lot of girls, you'll know that women secretly love the dark triad personality of the player. They love the guy that's preselected by girls. They love the naughty guy, the bad guy, the risky guy, the anti hero. They don't like the sweet stable nice guy, which I know is a cruel twist of fate, but you should know that by now in terms of secret society. So men are the ones that get really pissed off when other men around them are sleeping with women and there's an obvious biological reason for that, it's a sexual strategy. You know, kill that man, he's sleeping with too many women in the tribe or shame him, shame him because that guy is, pipped him to the post quite literally. So the sexual strategy of the shamer is to rein in those guys who are getting the pussy. But let's examine shame because to understand this sexual shaming and what you can do about it if you are a player, you have to understand why people shame, why we all shame others. Right? Shame, as the quote says, is nothing more than the denial of truth. Or Oscar Wilde said, the books that the world calls immoral are books that show the world its own shame. So it's, it's referred to by many people as a shadow effect. Yeah? Because shame comes from seeing, what is in you that you've pushed down, that you've suppressed, that you've repressed, that you don't like. So when you see that in somebody else, you point the finger at them because you know very well yourself, you recognize that in you and it's something you don't feel comfortable with. It's a dark truth. It's a red pill truth. It's a dark triad truth. We see that and we go, oh, and then when we see somebody else doing it, we point the finger. I love that famous quote, the one pointing the finger usually has the dirtiest hand. That was, somebody in my family used to say that all the time, the one pointing the finger usually has the dirtiest hand. Yeah. So shame crops up in many many places but obviously sexually sexual shame from religions and ideology, religious guilt, this is very very damaging. You see in people that have been raised in a very fundamental religion or an ideology, a cult like thing where they are told sex is wrong, sex is dirty, not in a good way. Sex is from the devil. You'll go to hell. You will burn in eternal fire, hellfire. Yeah? You can't have sex before you get married. Masturbation is wrong. And we'll come back to this no fat movement which is part of the woolly self development thing going on at the moment. It's all about shaming. Don't do it, it's wrong. Don't, don't engage even in thinking about this, a sexual thought is a sin. Okay? So society does it, men do it, we do it to ourselves and it crops up everywhere, major movie, yeah, even with a player in it. They start out well, they start out fun like, Hugh Grant being the player or Jude Law, the The US version of, Alfie. They start out showing the player having fun, gallivanting around. But then by the end of the movie, they have to point the finger and say, look at this sad man, look at what he ended up like, lonely, nobody to love him, shame him, shame him. Casual sex is wrong and surprise surprise, the player usually settles down in the movie. He gets married and there's a happy ending. I was reading a lot about Jack Nicholson this week. Great Jack Nicholson who is still a bachelor. What is he 79, 80, maybe 81? But I was reading an article about him written by a man, surprise surprise, who was basically saying, look, Jack Nicholson was a badass, he had all these women, the the figure that is banded around is about 2,000 girls that he slept with, but now look at him, look at poor Jack, a recluse in the Hollywood Hills, lonely, no friends, no woman to love him. This is what happens to a player and isn't it sad? As he points the shaming finger. Of course, biased article forgetting that Jack Nicholson, has kids from various women. Jack Nicholson is Jack Nicholson. Jack Nicholson has a lot of friends. He's had a great life. He's entitled to play golf and do his painting and, live a quiet life. But it's the assertion that by being an old man and being unmarried, being, being a bachelor, although he he was married, Jack Nicholson, I think two or three times, but you know, wasn't for Jack, they didn't last long. They were token marriages, but by being alone as an old man vis a vis must be sad, must be depressing, must be wrong, must be bad for society. So therefore kids, don't do it. Okay? Even though everyone enjoys the stories of young Jack Nicholson, getting his end away with, many many hotties. Look into the life of Jack Nicholson in terms of his womanizing. I love his frame. I love his vibe. I love his cockiness which is tempered with a super charm, you know, Frank Sinatra twinkle, a beautiful warmth about him, a very quick intelligent man. We could talk about Jack Nicholson all day. But let's look into a bit more of James's philosophy, what James was implying in that paragraph about saving western civilization and, you Tom, you should make the world more stable, you should have kids with a high quality girl. So what are some of the shaming themes that you hear such as in that email and beyond? People say to players, you are going to die alone, like Jack Nicholson, or people say, if you're a black sheep, who's gonna take care of you when you're an old person? Think about that. They say, Tom, you are selfish. Players are selfish. You are not contributing to the good of the tribe, to the good of society, you are not a team player, shame on you. The big one at the moment is you are damaging civilization, shame on you, point the finger at that man. A lot of comments, a lot of people say that players are simply mentally ill. Alright. A pickup artist must be dysfunctional. A pickup artist must have a real chronic mental illness, they must be damaged, they must be broken. A lot of people write to me and say, Tom, I'm worried that you're a broken man, there must be something dysfunctional in that you just want casual sex. They are saying that game only works with low quality girls, obviously the slut thing, slut shaming, the purity fantasy, they say you can only get the grotty girls, you know, you're never gonna get the high quality girl as James says, you should settle down with a high quality girl. We'll come back to the the myth of R and K in a minute. They say game doesn't get the the nines and tens, which is the same thing as this quality girl purity fantasy Madonna whore thing. Shaming is obviously in older men getting younger girls, okay, legally, but they still think, you know, if Tom, you're 37, what are you doing dating a 19 year old girl? That is wrong. Pointing the finger, remember it's for men. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Because women, yeah, they do that token like, oh, he's a bad man. But they love it because obviously those are the girls dating the older men. We don't need to talk about why girls date older men and if they can, watch stealth seduction. It's pretty obvious, that girls go for it and they enjoy it and they seek it. And one of the last most frequently posted comments I get is, Tom, you are losing yourself in empty sex. To make up for some deep trauma, again coming back to this, you must be broken. Tom, you are losing yourself in empty sex. Isn't it sad? Shame on you. So you might recognize a lot of the things behind those comments and behind James's paragraph. As I've already said, a purity fantasy and I made a video on that from Georgia last week where I'm talking about why nice guys self sabotage because they don't escalate on the quote unquote nice girls. So the purity fantasy, we've spoken about that many times before. That's when men divide girls up into bad girls and good girls. They wanna fuck the stripper but they wanna marry the Christian girl next door. And it sounds like such a trivial mindset but it affects absolutely everything you do in terms of dating and mating because you pedestalize some kind of girls, you assume that some girls are sexual and some are not, you assume that the ones you want to marry, they are the high quality ones and they would never behave like that. Even if she's a virgin or she's slept with one or two guys, you think that somehow stops biology taking its course or the feral nature of evolutionary biology. Alright. Red pill doesn't apply to her, she's a different girl, she's different from all the rest. That's the purity fantasy. Yeah, Madonna and Whore. Purple Pill guys often do this where you've read a bit of red pill, you've read a bit of evolutionary biology, you understand a little bit of game from Mystery Method all the way to London take a model, still you don't want to go into heart of darkness. It's too painful. Right? It stings. So you don't want to give up on the old ideals that you had from your childhood, from your family, perhaps a very Christian or Muslim or Jewish upbringing, perhaps you were told to, you know, be part of a team, teamwork always important, perhaps your family is telling you to get married, of course. Your friends are all married. And so the purple pill develops. I've got podcasts on the purple pill, a watering down of evolutionary biology truths. And behind many of those comments, white knighting. So white knighting, as I said at the beginning of this podcast is, a sexual strategy. Same as being a nice guy. That is actually a sexual strategy. Many many many many guys, you'd say the majority of guys think that playing the nice guy, being in the friend zone sneakily, snake seduction, trying to get in her pants, waiting, that is a sexual strategy but time and time again we know from infield evidence, it's a very weak strategy and it doesn't work compared to direct cold approach, pick up or not hiding your dick. But the shaming is also a sexual strategy because white knights believe that if they point the finger at men, they'll somehow, as I said, tame them, stop them from sleeping around, they'll warn women about these dangerous men and some men really do believe, some white knights really do believe that women like noble men, women like men on a horse who will come and save her from the bad guys, women like men who do the right thing, women like Christian men, Women like men who are ethically morally right. That is a huge mindset that, millions billions of men perhaps on the planet believe and they're using it as a sexual strategy. Does it work to get women? We don't even need to debate that. Yeah. Is it as an effective strategy for lots of sexual partners who are younger and hotter than you? We don't even have to debate that. Can you get a woman into a relationship in marriage playing the nice guy card or the white knight card? Of course you can, of course you can. But does that lead to a sustained relationship that is got a good male female polarity correct frame is sexual where she respects you, where the relationship lasts. We don't need to talk about that. At the moment, it's very popular to talk about this RK thing. R being, players, guys who have a lot of casual sex and k being the noble men who get the good girls, the guys who just have very limited sexual partners and they're monogamous. I've made videos on this. I talk about it in daygame three point zero why its nature is certainly not binary, humans are definitely not binary and this is a construct from white knights, from purple pill guys who want to say somehow that daygame is wrong, casual sex is wrong and that going for the high quality girls and not choosing the player lifestyle but settling down, that's somehow superior and, this is rationalizing their own choices but also pointing the shaming finger and you'd be surprised that many day gamers, as I say in daygame three point zero, many day gamers believe that there are bad girls and good girls. Many good day gamers believe that not all girls are like that and that there must be girls who are completely virginal, madonna like, pure snowflakes that never think about sex, that would never cheat. And I say as I said in that last video from Georgia, same girl but put her in a different environment, she behaves very differently sexually. Same girl introduced her to two different men, two different men approach her, even two different daygamers approach her. One with the purity k fantasy of trying to make her his perfect girlfriend and the other one just out for a one night stand. Same girl in two different situations with two different men will behave differently. So it's fluid like a pimps waterbed. Yeah. Now coming back to this thing where they say, you're going to be lonely. Jack Nicholson, Tom Torero, you're going to be lonely when you're old. Well, as I've tweeted before, I know more lonely men in dead end relationships, right, who are pushing a shopping cart around a supermarket with a woman that they've loathed for ten years, they're stuck in that relationship, that marriage. I think those men are lonelier than a bachelor who, yeah, perhaps has a few quiet evenings where he's not with the boys, he has to watch a film but he has to be self sufficient. Okay, so get used to being self sufficient early. That's a key black sheep philosophy because otherwise you're gonna have to learn it when you're 65, which is a lot harder or when your partner dies or your partner cheats on you, shock horror and she leaves you and you're 50 or you're 70, suddenly you're going to be alone and you're going to have to learn strategies to be self sufficient. If you can do it when you're in your mid twenties, 30, 35, fantastic. Yeah. Women are a bonus. Sex a few times a week with hot girls, that's great. But you've got to be, able to function, to have your routines, to take control of yourself. I think a lot of these guys who are, purity fantasy guys, who are white knights, they just want a mom, they just want another mother. They're looking for a girl who's gonna look after them and tell them what to do and make them feel okay. They don't want to, face the world as it really is, you know. Lord of the Flies ish, it stings. You could say in the beginning it's nasty. Yeah. Red pill knowledge is slightly depressing when you read The Selfish Gene or Evolution of Desire or Street Hustle. But then you accept it and you move on. And as I said, the hustle is that you use this information to your advantage. So once you accept that women are not fragile statues and snowflakes, you can become the player rather than the guy who's having to fork out for the holidays and the dinners and raise her kids or even somebody else's kids. Yeah? Use this information to your advantage that women like fun, casual, consensual, dirty naughty sex. Women watch porn, shock horror. Right? Even those quiet girls, the k selected girls, they watch porn. They read fantasy novels. Even the virgin, I'd say especially the virgin, she fantasizes about a dominant dangerous man taking her on adventures. So you can learn to be that. That's exactly what pickup is. The opposite of pickup would be this white knight purity fantasy, code selected thing where you shame players because as I said, you recognize that in yourself, that feral nature and you don't like it. So the opposite of all this stuff is recognizing the truths of evolutionary biology, the truths of the sexual feral nature of of women. Read, as I've said before, My Secret Garden, the book My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday, which tells you what women women really fantasize about. And these were housewives in the seventies, I think it was, who were asked anonymously to submit their sexual fantasies. And it's clear, just like the book Sperm Wars, we find out and daygamers know this from infield experience, women like bad dangerous men. Alright. Women like the cats not the dads. Alpha fucks and beta bugs. Alright. So what turns women on is something completely different from what women are thinking about when they're thinking about stability and somebody providing for them and their babies. We're talking about the alpha fox, yeah, the cat not the dad. And that my friends, as dark as it seems and you might want to deny it, women like bad dangerous men who lead, who are adventurous, who are risky, who make women chase them because they're simply not interested. Women fall for men who don't fall. I tweeted that recently. But anyway, those white knights often think that they are coming from a moral high ground, that they're superior, therefore they can judge others, they can be self righteous. But this is a very very dangerous thing because I said, shame comes from seeing that which is in you but you've pushed it down into the shadowlands. So these things my friend will surface. Alright. Life finds a way. What's that quote from Jurassic Park? It's true. Biology finds a way. Biology is stronger than ideology. So you see men that have been in strict religious sects, you see their sexuality coming out in very strange ways or when they leave that cult, you could say, they realize how heavy that programming was. Same with girls, I've spoken about girls who come from very religious backgrounds and when they get the chance to escape secret society like a Turkish girl in London for a summer school, she goes absolutely crazy. I've slept with very strict Christian girls, I've slept with Christian virgins, with Muslim virgins, I've slept with a girl who was part of a kind of a Scientology ish sect. It's secret society. Biology finds a way. Yeah. Even though you can put the paving stones down, those roots, that grass, nature will take over an abandoned building. Yep. So it's very very dangerous. A, if you're suppressing those things in you and B, if you're encouraging others to do the same, nature finds a way. Nature finds a way. And, yeah, if you are the opposite of that, if you just accept it rather than judging, rather than moralizing, you see biology, evolutionary biology as amoral like gravity, it is what it is and of course like a knife you can use it for good, you can use it for bad but it is what it is. The knife is just a knife. It's you that's shaming the knife. It can make a sandwich for you or it can stab somebody but, it's you pointing the finger at that knife, the knife is just a knife. With sex, same with human sexuality, with women's sex drive, with your sex drive. Don't you go pointing the finger my friend because the one pointing the finger is the one with the dirtiest hand. So I say to guys, don't hide your dick, be honest, embrace, the fact that you're a guy, Embrace the filthiness of being human, it's fantastic. That's what makes you human. Tell girls what you want, that's direct cold approach pickup. So don't weasel around, go up to her and tell her you look, you think she looks nice, tell her you want to take her out. On the date, don't hide your dick, back at yours, don't hide your dick. Set boundaries, don't put up with being in the friend zone because you, my friend, let yourself stay in the friend zone. It's your choice if you want to be there because after one or two dates and you've got no compliance and she's not done anything and it's clear she's putting you on another track like the friend track or the boyfriend track or even worse the provider sugar daddy track. If you stay on her track, that my friend is your fault. So I say don't put up with it, have boundaries but, embrace it. It's like when she says in the shit test as I spoke about last week, what exactly is this? What do you want? I mean, why did you approach me? Why are we sitting on a date? The nice guy, the white knight will back down. He will deny his sexuality whereas, the player will will say, look, I'm a guy, I'll, I have these desires. I'm attracted to you. You're a very beautiful girl and it would be wrong of me to pretend to be your friend because I like to be direct. I like to be honest. Don't you agree? Do you see that's a beautiful reframe because it's true. And think about this, who lies more to girls? That sounds like the old mystery opener. Who lies more men or women? But who lies more to girls? Nice guys or bad boys? It's the nice guys. Nice guys are sneaky as fuck because they don't tell girls what they really think, they suppress their desires. They shame it in themselves and they shame others. And women can smell it, women know it. So you're better off saying what you think and taking it on the chin. If she's not interested, okay, move on. There's gonna be another girl who's interested. But there we go. I encourage you a, to identify any sexual shame in yourself and b, to really stop shaming others. Alright? Because recognize that that's a weird sexual strategy that doesn't work and recognize really that it's a mirror, right? All those things you're pointing a finger at, look in the mirror, is pointing right back at you my friend. So take a good look at where these beliefs came from. Did they come from early childhood, from family, from church, from a particular political point of view. And then compare them to the truths of evolutionary biology. Okay? And don't get angry. Truths are just truths. Gravity is just gravity. The knife is just a knife. And from that moment on, a, your game will become infinitely better because you're not hiding your dick and b) you'll stop sending Tom Torero these long, emails that I kind of half chuckle at but I half sigh at because if this is what half of my listeners, my viewers believe, then Jesus, I've got a long way to go in publicizing what men and women really think about sex. But anyway, I'm going to leave it there today. The sun is shining in this city. I need to go out and do some number farming cause I'm full of energy. It's like nature is displaying its sexuality in full force. The flowers are poking their heads out, the leaves are glossy and glorious, nature's getting it on. So it's time, my friends, was gonna say for you and me to get it on, but that's not the relationship that we have. You know what I mean. Until next week.