---
title: Episode 171 Flirtation Is Friction
episode_number: 171
era: late
source_file: Episode 171 Flirtation Is Friction.mp3
audio_size_mb: 48.0
duration_sec: 1571.3
duration_min: 26.2
language: en
provider: deepgram
model: nova-3
diarized: true
confidence: 0.992
transcribed_at: 2026-05-27T17:07:24Z---

# Episode 171 Flirtation Is Friction

**Speaker 0:** The Tom Torero podcast episode a 171. Mushy Mushy Konichiwa from Japan. I have just landed. I'm stinky. I'm jet lagged. I'm probably a little bit drunk. I'm in Nagoya. A beautiful day outside 20 degrees. The sun is shining, but this is not where I'm gonna be daygaming. I'm going on a domestic flight, that's what I'm waiting for here in the airport, to a city which is cooler. There's the clue. I won't tell you where it is until the two week mission is up. I'm gonna meet captain Tim there in an hour or two, and this is the fourth year running. And as I've said before, I'm really not into Asian girls or even Japanese girls, I love this country. It is so beautiful. It is so efficient. It is so polite. It is so clean. It is so quirky. It is very kinky when the sun goes down. And we just flew over Central Japan and I could see the mountain ranges and suddenly out of the clouds I saw Fuji. So Japan has everything. If you're into wilderness and nature, if you're into bizarre nightlife and the daygame is pretty good. Once again, it's not my cup of tea but if you watch stealth seduction you'll see a same day lay with a girl who speaks no english so I'm ready for that. But I like it. I like it for for the the quirks and I'll be reporting back. Don't you worry. I can't remember what I was saying. Before we dive in before we dive into the podcast, I need to remind you that you've got a week left to apply for the winter black sheep bandit awards. Get paid to get laid. Tom Torero will give you £200 or actually two guys will be chosen. 200 great British pounds to go on your own daygame mission. No tinder, no nightgame. Some guys asked for the money for books or for One guy asked for a haircut. Lots of people said, can I have the money just to get more, training? And no, this is for you to subsidize your transportation so maybe a bus or a train or a budget flight and your accommodation so a hostel or a cheap hotel or a cheap apartment maybe for two days maybe for three days maybe if you count for five days or even two weeks like the last guy did in Bulgaria. And you're gonna go there and you're gonna do a minimum of 30 opens, 30 approaches. Okay? So you get over your approach anxiety and you got to do a minimum of 30. Because if you've seen on my blog where I break down my Russian results, I mean, if you go on a day game mission and you do five approaches, nothing really is gonna happen. Okay? You've got unrealistic day game expectations. But anyway, the application form is below. Click on that link below. You've got until the November 15, and then that's it. The year is really coming to an end, unless you're in the Southern Hemisphere for daygame. So it's your chance as a kick up the ass to go on your own daygame mission like I'm gonna do for these two weeks alright flirtation is friction and you'll think well I've heard all this before you know Tom said don't be mister nice guy Tom always says to flirt and with students years ago, I would say come on man, a bit more flirting, time to flirt and, it was often a joke amongst the instructors but often German students or Scandinavians would say, but what is the flirting? How do I tell a joke? So today we shall actually break it down. I'll give you 10 practical pragmatic things to do in linear order, a to z. So starting with the daygame, then moving on to the texting, then to the dating, then to the bedroom, then to relationship, and then we'll finish with a harem. Okay? Why, why it's so vital? Flirtation being the the main method for getting a girl to qualify herself, to create forwards motion. Do you remember your physics teacher in school saying, friction creates heat and forwards motion. I'll say that again. Friction creates heat and forwards motion. So the whole teasing and challenging and banter and busting her balls and accusing her in the vacuum. Okay. That's good. That creates heat. So she's giggling and going red and flicking her hair. Attraction or you see the the chemistry on the date. But what's the problem with heat? It can vanish. It can dissipate. So after the interaction, she walks away just thinking, oh, I don't feel the same as when I met him in Nagoya Airport. But what was the second half of that equation? Forwards motion. So if you don't have friction, if you don't have flirtation in your pickup, in your seduction, then it's a road to nowhere. It's standing still or as I say it's comfort quicksand. It's mister nice guy or it's long term, very long term boyfriend boyfriend provider potential. The spark's just not there and she won't how to verbalize it but she'll say to her friend, yeah, he was a nice guy, was a very pleasant guy and her best mate will say, are you gonna see him again? And she'll say, no. And she doesn't know why but it's a conversation she had with you which of reminds her of a conversation she might have with her dad or with a guy, an old guy on a train, you know, or her sister. It's just chitchat. Now, here's my gamble, here's my prediction. I've never seen you daygame, I guess. I've never heard an mp3 of you daygaming, which guys send me on coaching calls, but 999-9999 of guys I listen to just thirty seconds a minute and I stop the recording and I say, okay, it was day game in terms of approaching, giving her a compliment, and then it was just rapport. And you got the number, and the guy will say, yeah, I get loads of numbers, but they all flake. And I'll say, this is the reason. Perhaps I've met two or three guys in my decade of coaching where they were doing too much flirting. There was too much friction. They were too on, and I had to teach them to be nice. But I'm guessing even though I've never met you, or the majority of you, hello if I have met you, that this is your issue. So rather than being abstracted then saying, yeah, don't be the nice guy, flirt more. I'll give you practical things to do. Right? A to zed things to do. Levels of friction. Right? Let's start with the basic daygame. When I say to you, tease her. Right? Accuse her. So you've done the compliment. You've done your assumption. But even in your assumption, even in your guess about her, you should be teasing. You know, you look like trouble. You look like a strict boss. You know, this is never gonna work out between us. We're getting divorced. You are so adorable. You're so cute like a little hobbit. You know, you're so studious like Harry Potter. What am I doing? I'm teasing. And they are kind of throwaway things. She giggles. She'll probably forget the joke. But if you're not teasing, then my friend, come on face level one. Buy Tom Torero's book, there's the plug, I think it's $2.99, isn't it, on Kindle? How to flirt with girls. And I give you 200 examples. And the student says, but I can't learn 200. And I say, well, pick your favorite 10. It's like a best of PUA, that manual. Pick your favorite 10 little teases and say them every single time. Like I always say, my mother warned me girls from Japan, you know. You find what works. You obviously improve your delivery. It's not just the line. It's the delivery of the line as well. And then you get good reactions for most of the time and you say, okay, I'm gonna use that tease every time. Alright. So that's in the basic stacking and vibing. Level two. Right? If you've mastered the tease, I would suggest a harder tease, which in pickup is called a neg. And really be careful with this. You need to combine it with a buffer. That's what we mean by push pull or pull push. So, you might say to her, you know, I love your nails. Are they real? Or, you know, you've got, I I like that that hair color, but is it real? Or wow, you've got very intense blue eyes. Are you wearing contact lenses? Or, you know, it's great, you've got very long legs. Ah, you're cheating. You got heels, you know, minus two points, bad girl. Push pull, old school, very old school, especially the nice nails, are they real? But practice a harder tease. So not just funny but where she is almost slightly shocked that you said it. And the hotter the girl, let's say you meet a catwalk model or a bit of a bar bie Instagram girl, they can take the negs better. Okay? And that they jump through the hoop often. Hotter girls love qualifying because they go through their life never having to do it. And the whole point of doing all this stuff is get a girl to qualify. That's the forwards motion. Yeah. Mystery used to say to guys, when we were teaching this summer in Moscow with Bexter, a guy would say, don't know where I am in the model. And Mystery would say, if you don't know where you are in the model, qualify her. Because what is qualification doing? She she's investing. She's qualifying herself. She's investing in the interaction in in the interaction. She thinks, I e, she's picking you up. That's the whole point of, friction, creates forwards motion. Anyway, number three. Let's say you've got good at the tease, you've got good at the neg. Level three, this would be hard for Japanese people or Scandinavian students or British guys, challenge. And I don't mean challenge funny but let's say in the daygame interaction she's suddenly talking about, the Arctic monkeys. And with a very straight face you can say, do you know what? I just don't like the Arctic monkeys. It's it's it's really not my cup of tea, you know, because challenging a hot girl shows her what? That you're not a pushover. That you're not just gonna go in the lane that she's suggests, as you can see in lay report on the blog. You could say she's talking, you know, she might be talking about holidays to Dubai and you say, Dubai is just it's right down there on the bottom of places I want to visit. I just don't like Japan. I don't like you can tell I'm jet lagged. I don't like Dubai. It's so vapid. It's just like living in a bubble, etcetera, etcetera. Now, you don't need to challenge, challenge, challenge, but certainly challenge one thing interaction. And definitely on the day, I challenge one topic she brings up. No, don't get angry, don't get political, don't get religious, don't be reactive and grumpy, but just very coolly and calmly state your opinion that you don't agree with her. And watch, especially with the hotties or the Instagram Barbies, watch how she jumps. And, if you're doing it right, she'll say, oh, well, actually, yeah, I can see your point. I'm not actually that big a fan of Dubai after all, I just go with my sister, etcetera, etcetera. She qualifies herself to you. When she does that, she invests. She walks away from the interaction of the date thinking, yeah, I'm actually chasing Tom. There must be something about Tom. Why am I chasing him? She's not thinking this consciously, but she feels it. I always used to say in seminars, give girls the gift of chasing you. Attraction's in the push, so you push her away with all these things. She chases and she thinks, wow, I'm enjoying this because hot girls don't have to chase. This is the whole secret of flirting. Okay. Anyway, I hope you're writing these down. Level one is tease. Level two is neg. Can you do that? Push pull neg. Level three is challenge. Are you doing that? Level four, which Japanese and British people would find very hard, it's the silence. Don't worry, the podcast is working. It's going silent. So just giving her the naughty eyes and after she's finished speaking you just leave that pregnant pause the vacuum yeah and that's the macro example the micro that's the micro example the macro example would be you don't reply to a text message for a couple of days or on the date you just look away. Yep. And you're waiting for her to jump in. Remember, that's investment forwards motion. And she will like that feeling of the cat chasing the ball ball of wool. So it could be silence on the street, be silence over text, it could be silence on the date, certainly in the second venue in the sexy jazz bar. You're meant to be looking away, puffing on your shisha, Just being cool and calm and talking less, letting things go into slow motion, getting her to do the work. So are you using silence? That's level four. Level five, verbal escalation. Now often when I talk about verbal escalation, guys just think it's again like level one, just cheeky funny comments. No. Verbal escalation is meant to be uncomfortable. It's certainly uncomfortable if you're a beginner and you're doing the questions game or saying things to her like, when did you last have sex? That's quite strong verbal escalation, but it's certainly not talking about holidays and her hobbies and her brother and the weather. Right? So if you don't know what I'm talking about, look at my verbal escalation guide on YouTube and I give you the five steps from least offensive to most offensive. Proceed with caution, but you'll feel things getting more tense, which is what you want, you want to keep the tension as you go up the verbal escalation ladder. So are you doing that on the date? No, you don't need to do it on the street, and not really you don't need to do it on an instant date. Maybe one or two things on an instant date. But, you know, I'd go back to levels one, two, and three, and four on an instant date, you know, teaser, negger, challenger, silence. That's enough. She knows you're not a pushover. So five was verbal escalation. Are you missing that on the date? Level six, I predict you are missing this out. That's physical escalation. You might be good at banter and teasing and, doing your questions game, but in the second venue, are you physically escalating? And again, that's uncomfortable for you. And when I say it's uncomfortable for her, don't mean she's she's she doesn't like it. It's just there's sexual tension. You can feel it in the air as you close the distance, as you go and sit next to her, as you hold her hand. You're not saying anything, remember? The, the silence from level four. Is she accepting it? Is she accepting being in isolation, in a quiet corner of a bar or on your sofa in your apartment? That all creates tension, and guys will want to break the tension. They might do the the Tom Torero awkward, that's what I used to do as a teenager. I still do it now if she's really hot and then my brain says, Tom, no. Keep the tension, keep the silence, right? Don't tell a crappy joke. You're moving towards seduction, so you need forwards motion. You need her to be the one who's, giggling or trying to break the tension because she's nervous. Okay, that was six. Number seven, which is what you have to use a lot in not here in Japan, but in Russia, it's the royal flush. And that's getting slightly cross just for a moment, like a good teacher or a good parent. You know, you're you're cool and calm and you're passing shit tests with rolling off and, ignoring. But if she's being a little mad and if she's playing you around, you see in that lay report I just put out on the blog. There's a point when you're like, okay, enough. You're behaving like a child. Stop. You know, you're like a teenager. Listen, you need to go. Okay? Bye bye. That's the royal flush. Okay. Seduction should be covert and that's an overt move. It's quite risky, but in Russia it works. Without that point in the date, if you don't show the girl that you could walk away, that you could lose her, she doesn't respect you. She she thinks you're a pushover, and certainly Russian girls don't respond that well to the teasing, to the level one teasing as in the funny jokes. They much prefer the the level two neg or the challenge. They love the silence. They really jump when you leave a vacuum. Verbal escalation, they don't really get. That might be a translation thing. Physical escalation, they certainly get and they expect you to do it. Seven is the royal flush. It's what Russian men do. I am not a pushover. I hold my frame. I'm not gonna get angry, I'm not gonna shout, I'm not gonna go totally nuts, but I can put my foot down. Alright? So are you doing that? I bet you're not because you think I'm gonna lose her. And yeah, that's the whole idea. Power of the push, which is what, attracts her to you. Okay. Eight. Friction in bed. Yes. I mean literal friction as in dominance and submission. Not vanilla sex, you know, nice and smooth Barry White and candles and incense. No. But listen to my podcast on, sex and domination in below the belt. I talk a lot about how to go from vanilla sex to proper like tension, friction, role play, dominance, dirty talk, where she comes and then comes and comes and comes back for more. If if you're missing that out, you're not gonna get a repeat bang. And guys bang a girl once and they think, I got her. I won. No. You gotta bang her twice, three times. Well, very well, at least if you wanna get her into harem. Okay? Alright. Let's say she is coming back for repeat bangs, level nine. And I'm sure a lot of guys are not doing this. If you're in some kind of relationship with her, hopefully not monogamous, let's say it's an open relationship, you've you've given her the talk, you're seeing a few girls, but it's sliding into lovey dovey, you know, holding hands, walking by the river, going to the cinema, completely agreeing with her, trying to pacify her when she's, a bit niggly. Are you inserting friction? Are you inserting hard friction into the relationship? And if you don't know what I mean, just try once a month, just, not replying to her messages, turning off your phone, or calling her up and shout ing at her, saying you're disappointed in her, storming off, not replying, not picking up your phone on a Friday night or a Saturday night, you know, the prime time to make her jealous. Rationally, a nice guy, a Japanese guy, a British guy, a a Finnish guy, he'll say, but but why? We might lose the girl. This is terrible. We must make the girl feel calm and and and wanted and needed at all times. Whereas the player, whereas the pimp certainly knows, without that friction, without that drama, without that tension, especially after you've already banged her, she's subconsciously gonna get very very bored quickly. So I used to see couples arguing, in Russia, I think, god, why is he why is he doing that? You know, that's not a very gentlemanly thing to do, but now I understand. No, you don't do it every time. You just throw it in there. Like once a month, she is a bit ratty because of her hormone. So once a month, you can show your fangs under those fluffy, paws of yours, those tiger lion paws, you've got claws. She needs to see them. She needs to see boundaries. Just like I say when I was a teacher, you can be nice nice nice nice nice and then watch. I don't mean literal. Physical punishment, but you state your frame. It's boundaries on bullshit. You say, no, that's it. You've all lost your lunchtime, you know, you're all staying in after school, whatever, we're not going on a school trip, and you stick to your word. It can't be a hollow threat, you have to do it. You make an example, and then for the rest of the year, they are good as golfing, and kids crave it, kids love it, they need to know where the boundary is. Is, girls Girls need need to to know know where where the the boundary boundary is. You're the surrogate daddy, whether you believe in the Freudian stuff or not, you know. I say to students, who's the daddy? Is she leading you and has she got the frame or are you taking on her role of father? And if you're gaming girls in their late teens to early twenties, you certainly need to understand this. Quite literally, she's gone from living with her parents to going to university, and then she meets you and you are the daddy figure in in your thirties and forties and even in your early fifties. You'll be shocked at how many 18, 19, 20, 20, 21 year old girls respond really well to an older guy who's got frame. That's what I mean also when I say gravitas. Yeah. Okay. Level 10. The dark arts of level 10. And this is if you've, if you're really good at getting, active leads and then closing them and having lots of sex and giving them the talk and keeping them around and you've got this heart ream, you'll start to use pimp friction. Alright, maybe maybe you've read iceberg slim and you understand the concept of hand which is basically frame but pimps, they go dark, right? They they have psychological hand, psychological dominance. They're not just going mad once a month, they do all sorts of things to create drama, to create massive amounts of tension. I don't recommend it all, but if you're interested read the iceberg slim stuff just to give you an idea of why it's illogical. Because a guy will say, but why would a woman write to a guy in jail who's murdered someone? Or why does she hang around with that degenerate drug dealer? Or why does she hang around the guy who's so, he's such an asshole in public or he takes so many risks, he's such a bad boy. It doesn't make logical sense because the nice guy's trying to pacify her with flowers and dinners and keep the peace. So why does she go off with the guy who's always arguing with her? Or the guy who doesn't call her back? Or the guy who slaps her ass in public? It's so counterintuitive if you don't understand frame and game and basic pickup principles. Yeah? But just think of it like good parenting. Mystery used to say it's like dog training, but you can get in trouble if you compare seducing women to dog training, but you know what I mean. So level one, are you teasing? Level two, add in a bit more of a neg, a harsher tease. Level three, try challenging. And you can record yourself, by the way, like I'm recording this podcast on a dictaphone. Just put a dictaphone, put a dictaphone in your pocket, leave it running, record yourself and, analyze analyze yourself. You don't need me. I dissuade from guy guys from having regular Skype sessions because I say buy a dictaphone, use your mobile with your headphones to record yourself and think, am I teasing? Am I nagging? Am I challenging? Was there a silence moment in the set? Was there a vacuum? Was there a silence moment over text? Was there a silence moment on the date? Did you do verbal escalation? And not just funny but you delivered the the verbal spike and you kept a straight face. Did you do the physical escalation? Did you hold the tension? Did you hold your hand, for example? Seven. Did you not be a little bitch? Did you take your balls back? Did you do a royal flush? Specifically, if you're gaming, Ukrainians or Russians or in the Former Soviet Union or actually in South America when I was in Colombia. Yeah. They like a bit of the old royal flush. It's last chance saloon so don't do that one let's say step two you wait till you know you've tried other options so have you ever tried the royal flush and seen it work level eight have you stepped up your game, you know, or are you still missionary position, lights out and candles? Nine, are you brave enough to show her that you can walk away in a relationship? Yeah. And level 10, do you understand what hand is? Do you understand what ultimate frame is? Because if you wanna keep a of five, seven, 10 girls, God help you. Jesus, that's a lot of skill with frame management knowing, the buttons for each of those girls and and imagine each of those girls in your harem once a month around her premenstrual tension phase, she's gonna go a bit nutty. Yeah. Every girl has a specific time of the month where she goes a bit nutty. So you need to know when that's gonna be. You might be making notes on that. You know how to to not slide into trying to help her and pacify her. Are you pushing those buttons, knowing how to keep her coming and coming back for more like a cat chasing a ball of wool? Alright. It's a bit of a short podcast today, but I am going to my connecting gate. And, I forgot to say, for all this friction, she has to feel it. Right? So it's not about her understanding any of this rationally. Guys always try to use logic, but you have to do this emotionally. Yeah. If you turn a girl on, emotionally, the physical turn on for her will will happen. So when you're spiking things, when you're breaking rapport, when you're teasing, when you're challenging, all that good stuff. It's not like with the guy where you could explain all this and, he would say, oh, right. Okay. I get the mechanics of it. With a girl, no. It's just feeling. And that's my aim for these two weeks. Because there's no English here, it's just to make Japanese girls tingle in my magical presence. I shall leave it there. Don't forget, if you want the black sheep bandit grant, you've got seven days basically until the November 15. Click below. I'll still be in Japan next week, so I shall speak to you from the Mystery City, then sayonara.