---
title: Episode 181 We Are Not Monogamous
episode_number: 181
era: late
source_file: Episode 181 We Are Not Monogamous.mp3
audio_size_mb: 52.0
duration_sec: 1702.7
duration_min: 28.4
language: en
provider: deepgram
model: nova-3
diarized: true
confidence: 0.994
transcribed_at: 2026-05-27T17:09:15Z---

# Episode 181 We Are Not Monogamous

**Speaker 0:** Hello. This is Thomas Torero in Cyprius in Cyprus trying to speak Greek Cypriot for podcast episode number a 181. We gentlemen are not monogamous. You can say that in the mirror as many times as you like until you're convinced of it. We are not monogamous. But already I can hear people thinking, well, perhaps they do believe in monogamy or a percentage of people listening to this podcast will certainly be on the fence. We call that a little bit of purple pill where they have, some day game skill, some dating skill, they can sleep with some girls but there's still something niggling inside them, the romantic inside them. Who believes in concepts like the one they believe that not all women are like that. They believe in the soul mate and they have aspirations for the game ending. They do believe that the game has an end point when they can put their feet up, retire, perhaps sit here in a farmhouse like I am. Outside it's 20 degrees centigrade. We're surrounded by olive trees and orange trees and lemon trees. I'm doing sod all so the guy thinks, oh, thank fuck. The game is over. But Tom Torero believes that this is just a tiny week long break with some family members and in a week's time, I'm going from plus 20 degrees centigrade to minus 20 degrees centigrade again back to motherfucking Russia where the harem hustling, the building of the harem through daygame cold approach pickup will continue. So I believe humans are not monogamous. I take that position after studying evolutionary biology at university. And a percentage of guys listening to this podcast, well, you can turn it off because you'll see the title, you'll nod your head, you'll go, fair play Tom, cheers. And listen to another podcast. And I can quote statistics and facts today but it's a bit like religion and politics. If someone's made up their mind and it's usually on a very emotional level, they're very invested in this particular idea emotionally, it's very hard to change. It's certainly hard to change just by quoting stats and percentages and boring historical scientific facts in them. But I shall try today. Perhaps you're on the fence or you're just curious what I believe. So I've said I'm in Cyprus. I forgot to say, although I have been doing Sodal, I've been trying to get this pasty Welsh skin a little bit tanned to look a little bit more suave ready for Russia again. I did put up for the last five days a blog post every day on harem building. And this is linked to today's topic because if you wanna build a harem, you gotta believe in non monogamy. You have to have obviously good daygame experience, good texting, good dating. You have to be able to shag individual girls. But you shouldn't be pretending to each girl, like a lot of daygamers do, that you're her boyfriend or that you're gonna be her future boyfriend or that you're gonna marry her. Okay? So you're meant to be doing secret society daygame, love a daygame rather than, this wishy washy romantic monogamous daygame. So that's how it links. Go back to my blog, tomtorero.com, and read the five parts. It starts with daygame, then texting, then dating, then most importantly, for today's episode and for this year's project, lead retention. Spinning lots of plates with that ultimate pimp frame of look because I have abundance, because I believe in non monogamy and I can go out and get more girls, importantly, because I believe women are attracted to a guy with options, I can build a hurry. My frame is it's my way or the highway. Take it or leave it. You can walk out on any one girl. Now, the guy who is monogamous on purple pill kind of thinking, well, you know, this daygame stuff is all fine but one day I will find a girl who's different from all the rest. And you'd be surprised there's a lot of daygamers that believe that. Daygame is just okay just for the casual sex but somewhere out there is the soul mate, is the one, she's going to be my best friend, you know. They're quite romantic about it. They're openly romantic about it and because they believe that the game ends, that there's an end point, after that, well, that's it. There's no more pickup. They don't need to because the game is complete. I don't. I don't believe that the game ends. I don't believe that there's an end point. I believe that you can obviously have sexual relationships but you can have affection from lots of different girls and that, here's the critical point, it turns women on. When they know you can walk away, when they know it's your way or the highway, when they know you have options, when they know there's other girls around. Okay. You're not rubbing her nose in it but she can feel it. She can sense it. There's a high value man. Okay. And weirdly, counter intuitively, she's turned on by that. What's that called in game in psychology? Pre selection and jealousy. The most powerful force you could say out of all the attraction switches, pre selection. So the gorilla, the apex alpha, he has sexual options. Humans are not monogamous. And, here's some stats. Here's some boring stats just for sixty seconds. You've probably read these in my books or heard me talk about them before. 80% of early human societies were non monogamous and still today around the world. Non monogamy is very common, it's nothing new and the classical guy, the religious guy, he's talking about monogamy for life. So again, even when a scientist is talking about monogamy, he's only talking about pair bonding, having babies, raising the babies, and then see you later, moving on, and rinse and repeat. And if you look under the bonnet of society, that's basically what goes on. People get married, they have a kid, somebody cheats, they get divorced, they try again, they get married, somebody cheats, it just repeats. So they're doing it secretly anyway. But, a conservative person, a religious person, somebody who believes the game ends is talking about for life. Pair bonding one sexual with one sexual partner for life being their best friend, their soul mate for the next whatever, sixty, seventy, eighty years. So very different things. And as we get into this podcast, you've got to think where you stand on the continuum. Do you believe humans are monogamous for life? Do you believe it's something in the middle? But you kind of you don't wanna take that step because you wanna some part of you, you wanna believe that there's the one out there or do you just accept it? Do you look into the void and accept it in a non nihilistic, non pessimistic way? You just think, yeah, this is how humans are programmed. So either you can moan or you can get on with it. Anyway, I digress. When did monogamy as we know it in terms of getting married in the religious aspect come about? Well, they think around nine thousand years ago when we moved from hunter gatherer to farming. Because of growing land competition, monogamy came about. Right? It wasn't invented as the saying goes by guys with options. When the options are limited, monogamy has to step in to regulate this new sexual marketplace. But once again, when I say monogamy in this sense, it doesn't mean monogamy for life. It means monogamy as in pair bonding, sex, kids, rinse and repeat. Yep. And if you look at a harem as in a gorilla harem, it's a good model for early human societies. There is that alpha male and most males not getting a chance to mate. Having to take on the alpha or wait for the alpha to die. Harsh but true. Harsh but true. So trying to regulate it in an agricultural society where, okay, one guy has one woman. Let's legalize it. You gotta sign a piece of paper. Promise not to be a sneaky player and and fuck around because of being static. Right? Growing land competition. You can read about this. I'd nag you to read it in the Red Queen, Matt Ridley or Evolution of Desire, David Bus or Sperm Wars, Robin Baker. Monogamy, a scientist would say, is attractive to lower ranking males. Harsh. Yeah. That the gorilla doesn't give a fuck about all the other males. But if you are one of those guys who's not getting some action, sure. You want to regulate the fucking marketplace. Yep. So monogamy wasn't invented by males with options. Now, why do we know that this behavior still exists today? Well, about all the the mate guarding. Think about the jealousy in relationships. You might get a rude awakening. Now, I'm not saying that to be a bearer of doom. I'm just saying if you look at statistics, that's what happens with men and you see it with game. You'll see a guy doing daygame. He gets a girlfriend, moves in, gets serious, guy vanishes, you hear from him again two or three years later. The magic number three is often quoted, you know, the the honeymoon period of a relationship, the sexual frenzy. For me, bloody on three days, maybe three weeks. But for married couples, after two, three years, fizzles out. No longer that rush of serotonin and adrenaline. It switched to oxytocin. Everybody's got soft in more ways than one. Lovers have now become friends, and then friends have fallen out and end of the relationship rinse and repeat. Okay. If a guy is in his twenties, you can understand a bit of the old Disney, a bit of the old dreamer in him. But if he's been married once and then he tries it again and then he tries it again and then he tries it again, a serial romantic. And imagine a guy in his forties and his fifties and he still hasn't taken the lessons of life, then I don't know. If that guy's beyond help, if that guy, forever will just repeat the same model. Now, there's a good argument that if you have game, you need relationships less. As I said, monogamy wasn't invented by guys with options. So if you don't have options and you don't have much game, then, yeah, it's probably a good idea for you to lock down quite legally and key in the door, lock down one woman for life. And the legal thing makes it difficult for you to separate. But why would the guy with options, why would the guy with game, why would the guy who could upgrade all the time to younger, more attractive, more fertile women, why would he be interested in locking down one girl? You have to think about that. When guys throw around concepts like hypergamy or hypergamy, it's just a wanky scientific term for for upgrading, for non monogamy. It's as if there's this evil plan where women are gonna, cheat and it's a terrible thing. Well, men upgrade just like you upgrade your phone. Might be happy with your phone for now but you're looking around, you're thinking, you're looking at other people's phone and when the time is right or maybe just on a whim. You're walking through an airport, you see a Samsung but it's looking good, you upgrade. Okay? And upgrading is normal if you accept non monogamy. You stick with your phone for a bit and then you upgrade. Girls do it and guys do it. But what's funny in the pickup community is that it's used as a term for shaming as if humans are monogamous, therefore any kind of upgrade, any kind of hypergamy hypergamy for men or women is a terrible thing. It must be the secret plan. But I think the opposite. It's at the heart of the secret society. There is no secret society without upgrading. A religious person, a dreamer, a romantic would call it cheating. A non monogamous believer would just say, well, it ain't cheating, it's just the next step. If you believe like me, humans are not monogamous, you stick with a partner and then you switch. You switch and the important thing is that she switches too. It's okay for her to switch. It's okay for me to switch. So I don't hold it against men for fucking around. I love the fact that women are hypergamous. Thank fuck for that. It means they upgrade to me. So once again, monogamy wasn't invented by guys with options. And the guys without options will get very mad and talk a lot about hypergamy and cheating and how it's terrible and how everybody should have one partner for life. Game over. End of story. And it's just a bore. Okay? Not only is it boring, but it's a bore to hear players say this. It's a bore to hear people in the pickup community say this. It's a bore to hear educated people say this who have perhaps read evolutionary biology. It's a board to hear people who have lots of experience in the secret society suddenly say, well, the secret society exists only for as long as I want it to exist. And then it ceases to exist and then we switch to the white picket fence and the 2.4 kids and, you know, the the well manicured lawn. You can't have it both ways. I hypocritical nature of it astounds me. And I'm ranting here, but how can you have it both ways? How can you be a player and not enjoy the fact that women sleep around? How can you be a player and not enjoy the fact that there's female contraception? How can you be a player and not enjoy the fact that she's gonna cheat on her boyfriend or husband and you can be the guy she cheats with? So anyway, rant over. I would say, if you're monogamous, you can't be a pickup artist. If you're monogamous, you've lost the frame. Something's gone wrong. Let's look in detail about what happens if you slip. And I'm not no man is immune to this. Okay? So since my pickup beginnings, I have had those flutters of love three or four times where it started off as casual sex and then she sleeps over, then she leaves the toothbrush, then you do walks, you do dinners, then you perhaps meet some of her family, you go on holiday together and before you know it, oh fuck. You're in a monogamous relationship. Perhaps you didn't have the balls to tell her that you're banging other girls, perhaps you're banging other girls secretly. But each time this happens as a player you think, fuck. I need to be more direct. I need to be more honest. Because if you genuinely believe that humans are not monogamous, it's your responsibility to not project that. Okay. You're wasting her time. You're wasting your time. So I've got better at the fact that the girls know what I do. Girls know that there are other girls in my life. It's kind of don't ask don't tell. It's implied but they know that the relationship is coming to an end. Will she still try to lock you down and cut off your balls subconsciously and leave stuff in your apartment and wanna see you more? Yes. That's her sexual, schedule in action. She can't stop it even with the bisexual girls I've been with or the girls that are very, free. They're in their early twenties and they're enjoying casual sex as well. Part of her on a subconscious hindbrain level will still wanna lock the player down. That actually turns her on. So I've got better at this not happening, but even experienced pickup artist, I know, suddenly they'll disappear, they'll go quiet, they won't be on the streets, they won't be coming out. And what do you know? For a while, they've, settled down, they're cuddling with their soul mate. And you could say they've lost the frame. They've failed micro tests. They failed macro tests. They have slid from lover to mister nice guy. So the sensitive side comes out where they're sitting down late into the night having hot chocolate with the girl and it's all got a bit mushy. She's become the best friend and he's being very open about his emotions. I know some guys that have gone to therapy, couples therapy, where it's run by a woman and it's all very dignified and, you know, the man should just be better and he should do the right thing and he should be the provider and he should certainly be not playing around. He should be the good dad. He should definitely be providing money. And this is from a guy that was formerly a pickup artist. So so it can happen. It does happen. A guy who has his freedom restricted. That's essentially what it is. So I wouldn't be able to come to Cyprus on a whim or fly off to Moscow on a whim if there was a girl who would cut my balls off and handed them to me and said, Tom, you're not going to Cyprus. You need to stay in London and get a stable job and provide. Or, a girl I had to phone every night or speak to every morning. Good morning. Good night. I love you. Kissy kissy. Limiting of freedom, that's a classic tell. So I'm going down this list and you can be mentally thinking, does this apply to you? Has this applied to you? In in what situations? Have you lost the frame? Have you become overly romantic? Have you gone to couples therapy? Have you had your balls handed to to you? Have you made her the boss? Do you even call your girl in your life the boss? Oh, I've got to ask the boss. You know, you hear a lot of married guys who believe in monogamy say that, I. E. They've lost the frame. Are you, are you now asexual? And that is beyond three years and she's basically not just your best friend but she's become your mother. She's become your carer. And the sixth thing is guys love it. Perhaps you don't have affection and love anymore from your mother. Perhaps she's not around. So you've got this surrogate mother, this girlfriend and you haven't banged her in a long time. You might be doing things like going to strip clubs, banging hookers, or even being a player on the side, but you're telling this girl that you're monogamous. So it's a different model to what I'm talking about. A very common model that a guy will believe in the one monogamy and settling down, but he also wants to bang on the side. I'm saying you don't have to do that. And if you read my harem hustle series, if you follow my project this year, you'll see that it's possible without going down that pretending to be monogamous. Yeah? Is the guy under the thumb? Has he been put out to work? You'll see this, if you go to a shopping mall and you look outside Topshop or Zara or H and M and you see loads of guys sitting on benches looking suicidal, holding bags and that now they're on their phone just watching football, praying for this shopping expedition to end. So they're very well trained. The girl has got them under the thumb, little worker bees where they have to ask permission for things. As this applied to you that somewhere in your house, you've had to make a literal cave. You've had to go into the garden, into a shed and that's that's now your only space. And you're allowed with the boss's permission for two hours to go in there and do your woodwork, or your model railway or whatever. Okay. Then you gotta fucking step back and think, is this monogamy thing to your advantage? And it sounds like I'm having a go at girls here, but really, I'm having a go at a guy who falls for this. You're a sucker. Comes back to the macro stuff. Is the Disney monogamy is the romantic stuff that you believe in really helping you? And weirdly, is it is it turning her on? She's probably getting really resentful for the fact that she's the boss, you're under the thumb, you're a little worker bee, you failed the test. So it doesn't benefit anyone. It's bad for you, it's bad for a girl, nobody wins. I'm not here ranting that girls are doing this on purpose. I would say that you you gave up the frame, my friend. You did you did all this willingly. You became castrated willingly. Another big tell and the most tragic tell is that perhaps you've given up on your mission. You know, you used to be a sailor or a fisherman or you used to have this hobby. And when you met this girl, slowly, slowly, slowly, you stopped doing the the the main thing in your life. You stopped riding the motorbike. You stopped skiing. You don't go fishing with friends anymore. You don't have time to write anymore. So that's castrated in many ways, but you've lost that mission. And once again, you're soft. Perhaps physically, psychologically, it's turning her off. It's lose lose for everybody. And most importantly, if you're listening to this podcast, how much sex are you having in this monogamous relationship? Is it still that raw, wild, fun, adventurous, passionate sex that you are having the first time you banged her, the second time, the first couple of months, remember when it was all wild and free? Or are you having Wednesday evening sex every two weeks or a blow job on your birthday? Are you negotiated sex? Once again, it's shit for you, it's shit for her. Nobody wins. So if you're clinging on to that side of the fence of there is the one monogamy for life, she's my soul mate, she's my best friend, and you go down that list, how many of those things benefit you and how many of those things benefit her? Alright. You've got familiarity, you've got comfort, you've got affection. But, go back that podcast I did, still my favorite one, affection addiction. Look at where that comes from. And if you read my harem hustle post series, think about can you get affection from multiple girls? And does that actually increase the attraction of each girl? So can you get the sex? Of course you can. A degular man knows that you can get lots of casual sex. But can you get, we could call it casual affection from many different sources? Yes. You can. And I'll be showing that this year. Do you need to pretend to girls that you're monogamous with each one? No. So when a guy throws that at you, that you're never gonna be happy, you're never gonna have a relationship, you're never gonna have a bond. Well, that's rubbish. This year, I'll be bonding not just sexually, but psychologically, emotionally with at least 10 girls, which I will show you, and I'll be having more sex, more affection than a guy, let's say, that's been married for twenty, thirty years. So does this model work long term over time? Yes. And it's my aim with the black sheep bandit stuff to to show it, not just to write about it or talk about it, but to show it. I'll be 40 this year. Guys, even within the pickup community are concerned. They keep asking when I'm going to stop, when it's going to end, when I'm going to do the right thing and settle down, when I'm going to retire. But that's it's puzzling to me when guys ask that because it gives away the fact that they believe monogamy is is the right thing, is the noble thing, is something even a pickup artist should do. And suddenly you think, fucking hell. I thought I knew that guy. I thought I knew my wing but suddenly you don't because he has a completely different life for you to you. The caveat, and here's the caveat that will always be thrown into the ring. Tom, what about children? What about for the good of the children? I accept that. That's the one thing I can't talk about because I haven't had kids or as I say to girls, not that I know of, perhaps around the world. There are, little Tom Torero's. But having kids from a biological sense, yes, humans pair bond for a few years until the kid is old enough and then the male will be impregnating lots of other females. And the tribe as it used to be will take care of the kid, the females together in a group. That's how it was. The idea that the man has to, raise the child for life and then stick around full life just for that child. That's a very new concept. And Christian shaming has been brought in, you know, legalities have been brought in to keep the man there for life. But I believe that there is a middle way where you can have kids but not be monogamous for life. So it's not an either or like you're lonely and sad and single forever or you're happily married forever, looking after kids. Don't be so binary. Don't be so blinkered. Another subcategory of that topic is when a guy says, well, Tom, isn't the whole purpose of life to have children so therefore if you don't have children you've failed. So the monogamous upstanding member of the community that has six children he's one and the pickup artist that's banged three hundred four hundred five hundred women he's failed. Well that's anthropomorphizing. I think that is the word. Evolution. Evolution, as I've said many times, neither knows nor cares. It's just a blind process. Richard Dawkins calls it the blind watchmaker. So your body wants to ejaculate. Your body wants to get inside as many different young attractive females as possibly. It doesn't know or care if your load is shot, into a condom or towards one of her eggs. It's just the process. It's just the drive. Does anybody really win quote unquote, the single man or the, married man? It's it's a silly question. It's implying that there's a purpose, which again could reveal what the guy's beliefs actually are. So I'm I'm getting into the realm of religion here and you will never win arguing with somebody's religious beliefs. So I shall just leave it there in terms of this being it should be quite an obvious topic that I never really thought I had to discuss as you just assume, well, surely, other pickup artist, daygamers, players, they they don't believe in monogamy because they like banging around and doing it for as long as possible. But more and more, I get emails, concerns, questions, comments, and talks that I do from very, very, very confused guys. So that's my take on it. If you want to believe something else, that's fine. This is not trying to religiously convert you. If you want to get married, fine. If you got a girlfriend, fine. I'm just saying, look, is it the best situation? Are you happy? Are you free? Not for just a couple of months. I know it feels really good when you get with a girl and she moves in for a couple of months, even a couple of years. But I'm talking ten years, twenty years, for the rest of your life. Is it the best thing? So selfishly just think about you. Today just think about you. And, is it even the best thing for her? Right? Or you're both going to be miserable and angry and resentful and then have to start again. That's my take on it from an olive orchard in Cyprus. I know it was a bit rambling, but there you go. That's all I've got time for. I shall just upload it and go and have dinner with the family. Enjoy doing SODOL and then back to the grind, back to the non monogamy of trying to bang hot Russian birds next week. Until then, goodbye, gentlemen.