---
title: Episode 43 Affection Addiction
episode_number: 43
era: early
source_file: Episode 43 Affection Addiction.mp3
audio_size_mb: 50.9
duration_sec: 1667.6
duration_min: 27.8
language: en
provider: deepgram
model: nova-3
diarized: true
confidence: 0.996
transcribed_at: 2026-05-28T06:29:16Z---

# Episode 43 Affection Addiction

**Speaker 0:** Tom Torero podcast 43 from Reykjavik in Iceland. Hey, hey, hello, hello. From the land of the cold, the land of the raw, the land of the glacial. It's wild, it's freezing, it's dark, it's pretty bleak but this is what I like surprisingly. For a lot of guys this would not turn them on. They're like a beach in The Bahamas but this has always been my thing. The north, wild landscapes, remoteness, it's for the introvert in me, it's for the mountaineer in me, the skier in me, the whatever it is. I don't know why I love it but I've always loved it. I've loved New Zealand, I've loved Canada for the same reason, Scandinavia, and now my first time in Iceland. So it's all good. Plus, I got a notch on the belt. I got my plus one. Sadly, not an Icelandic flag, but it's still a pretty cool and rapid story, which I will tell another time in some form. And what else? I've been snorkeling. That was another one of my bucket list things to do. Snorkeling at the Mid Atlantic Ridge between two plates fulfilled all my geeky geography desires in crystal clear water. Fantastic. There's a video of that on YouTube displaying, I was gonna say displaying my blue balls, but YouTube would pull that down. Anyway, today's topic, really, really important, especially if you're pretty new to this stuff, you've been in a relationship for a long time, you're interested in pickup and day game, but you haven't really thought about the wider issues. Why we do what we do, why we get into relationships, why we cheat, why we break up from relationships, how does it all work. You can call it sexual economics like I do. You might know it as red pill information If you spend a lot of time online, it's zooming out and seeing women and seeing dating and mating for what it really is. The caveat is to say without getting bitter. Okay, so today's topic fits into that and today's topic is affection addiction. Being addicted to this thing called affection. And I'm going to unpick affection and why and how men get addicted to it and how we can avoid this big trap in our lives, okay? Or how we can deal with it. And I have to credit a writer called sixty Years of Challenge Game. Fans will know about this guy, sixty years of challenge, that's his handle name, who wrote a PDF a long time ago called relationship roulette. I don't know if you can still find it floating around online. But I read that about four years ago and it just blew my mind as he explains really why we're in relationships. So I'll touch on some of sixty's points, but read the original Relationship Roulette, it's fantastic if you're interested in this kind of thing. Now, the big reveal is that men are not actually chasing sex. Okay? We're not actually craving what we think we're craving because if it was just all about sex, then we could pay for a hooker or we could just watch lots of porn or as soon as we got that one girl and we could have sex with her whenever we wanted over and over again, morning and night, then all our worries would go away. But clearly that's not the case. In guys in relationships, their sex life often goes down, they don't find one woman sexually appealing over a long period of time, they wonder why that is. They start thinking about sex with other women yet they stay in a relationship often for a long time. Why players settle down, why celebrities that have led massive pimped lives settle down, get married, think of somebody like Robbie Williams. That seems very confusing for a guy who's into game and pickup because he thinks, well if I was Robbie Williams I would just, you know, three, four, five girls a day, for the rest of my life. It would be fantastic because in their brain they're thinking sex is what they're after, sex is what this thing is all about. If you look carefully, that's not really what men are chasing. Men are actually, as 60 says, chasing affection. You can call it love, you can think of it as snuggling, cuddling, somebody to be there for you, companionship, which turns into friendship. Someone to love us like our parents loved us or in particular someone to love us like our mum loves us or loved us. Unconditional love. Now the more of a traumatic childhood you've had, the more you're likely to crave this affection. So this explains why, guys go from one relationship to another relationship to another. Many guys, I often think of Spanish guys and Italian guys, no offense if you're Spanish or Italian but when I was living in the Mediterranean, I'd see that guys live with their mom who did all their cooking and cleaning and washing and then got married at an early age and their wife became their mother doing all the cooking, cleaning and the washing. Now I like the polarity, it was just that that man never developed, he never really led a single life, he never looked after himself, he never travelled. So he was doing it from a place of weakness, not strength. So you've heard the term beta as opposed to alpha. You've heard the term, a provider rather than a player. Okay. Now, the interesting point is that girls only give affection to guys that follow their agenda, that follow their plans. Right? You don't get affection for free. The mistake of the chump of the the beater guy who's going on dates or trying to seduce girls is that he thinks, if he shows that he he wants affection and he's and he tries giving the girl affection with poems and chocolates and flowers and teddy bears, that she's just gonna give affection like that. The fault of the player who's always just pumping and dumping, just sleeping with girls, is that he thinks the affection that girls give him, even if he's got a harem of women in open relationships, he thinks that that affection will also just go on and on and on that they'll just dish this out for free. But as you know, if you do lots of open relationships, you reach a point a few months in, a year in when the girl's like, right, you're getting all this looking after and cuddling in love but now is the time to quote unquote get serious. Let's have the talk about where this is going. Okay? Their agenda, it's subconscious. This is where manosphere guys get really angry but remember it's subconscious. It's just something that's written into our DNA. They have an agenda which is to find the alpha dude for the DNA, get somebody to look after them and provide for them and their kids in a safe environment because women are all about raising kids. Okay, once again, that's a subconscious agenda but the purpose you might see now, the penny's dropped, of girls giving all this lovely feminine affection, looking after you and making you feel warm and all the snuggles and the cuddles and the time spent together cozying up, that's to get you to settle down. This is a powerful drug, bit like when a bee comes to the flower and takes the pollen. In return, he gets the nectar. So that's a nice little selfish way in there for the flower. Once again, you shouldn't use words like selfish when you're talking about evolutionary biology. Richard Dawkins regrets calling his book The Selfish Gene because it implies a conscious agenda when really it's just a blind process, a bit like gravity. Okay. But anyway, you see the girl giving this affection and in return she wants the guy to, stay around, pair bond and be there long enough to help raise kids. Yep, I've said in other podcasts or other talks, we're not actually long term monogamous but we're monogamish in that we pair bond long enough to raise kids in a safe environment and then we often split. Fifty percent of marriages ending in divorce. Yeah. We're like foxes, we're monogamous. Nature has come up with this thing once again unconsciously. It's just a process which is a super powerful urge, right, this affection addiction. It's super strong. I'd say it's even stronger than just being horny and wanting to nail girls because all players feel like that, all guys on earth feel this horniness. But think of the love songs, think of the poems, think of the paintings, think of the gifts that guys get girls. It's a huge romantic ideal built on this super powerful urge. Alright? And that super powerful urge if you want to get biochemical is oxytocin, which is that pair bonding hormone. With the sex and the horniness, it's the testosterone in you, it's adrenaline, it's dopamine, which has the same effect on the brain as cocaine, serotonin. So that's why, players, we're addicted to the thrill of the chase and the new bang and it's all exciting and, not sex addicts, but you're certainly chasing the next thrill like a skydiver, yeah? You want that adrenaline, dopamine, serotonin rush but when a feminine girl gives you a blast of that affection and you spend enough time with her, casual dating turns into proper dating, two months turns into six months, a year, maybe you move in together, that's a hell of a lot of oxytocin. And that hormone that is flooding your body and is also flooding her body, that's telling you to pair bond and mate and raise children. So in nature, in love, if that's what you want to call it, I'm just calling it affection, it has to happen to men so that they settle down, so that they provide. And this explains why even the mighty fall. Fall sounds a bit negative but you know what I mean. Even someone like Frank Sinatra, he settles down again and again and again. And it explains why the average Joe, he goes from one relationship to another to another to another. He could be having lots of random sex but actually he's just looking for more affection. I would say he's looking for another mother. Yeah. Now, I'm talking about me but I'm also talking about, friends of mine, guys that I've coached, guys that you see around. Have a look at what too much of this drug does to a man, okay? It makes us soft, not in that way, but yes, actually in that way, but I was meaning more mentally. Soft, you lose that edge. They say when you have kids actually your testosterone drops, you become less competitive, you become more empathic. Now there's obvious evolutionary explanations for that, yeah, if you're pair bonding and raising kids. You get soft physically in that way, in that you don't find your one woman attractive because we have this polygamy surge. Also you stop taking care of yourself, you stop working on your sexual market value, you let everything slide, you become a bit slobbish, maybe you overeat, you're compensating for not feeling fulfilled, yeah. But even more worrying and this has happened to everybody. So don't believe like a tough guy player portrayal. I know a lot of really good pickup guys. I've lived with a hell of a lot of really good players both day and night and they all get hit at some point or another and often multiple times over their player years with the need for affection, with the affection addiction, with the addiction to oxytocin. And this makes all of us very needy, very supplicating. This is what we mean by beta, the opposite of alpha traits. And surprise surprise, these turn a girl off. So if you're in a marriage or you're in a long term relationship, a guy really can't win because by giving up his freedom and he settles down and he starts pair bonding and he's flooded with oxytocin, suddenly he becomes really soft. He becomes, as I said, bitter and the woman doesn't know why, she's now lost attraction for him. And then the marriage breaks up or the relationship breaks up and he's back to square one. So that's a kind of a catch 22 in nature which is deeply deeply frustrating for men and I can understand why men rage online, get really angry online, especially if they've been through a divorce, lost money, lost kids, lost their time, I can see why guys get deeply, deeply misogynistic but we'll come onto that later. I was just trying to make the point that comfort in any sense, but certainly comfort with oxytocin is male enemy because it spoils all that good stuff that we were working on. And guys in this needy state, definitely when we start the process of falling in love, we move from the lust and the sex to the the affection and the cuddling. Men say, oh, I just wanna settle down. I just I'm tired of this game. I'm tired of pushing myself. It's it's so unfair to be a man blah blah blah. I just want a break from the game, you know. If I marry, all will be well. I can do whatever I want. I've got the wife, got the kids, got the house, got the car, phew. No more of this, you know, thinking about red pill or game or street hustling or sexual economics, I'm knackered. And we all get that as players, player burnout but always remember, I always remember what Roosh said, the great great blogger on this, he said that marriage is no safe haven from the sexual market place. And as I've just described, you're more likely to slide into really really bad habits when you settle down, you get in a relationship, you let these needy emotions flood over you because you're not on guard, you're not controlling the frame anymore. So I'm not saying you have to game your girlfriend actively or game your wife but you always need to be aware of the power dynamic, what's going on, who needs the other one more than the other, etcetera, etcetera. So if you take your eye off the ball, you're fucked, okay? Now, I really believe that men are the romantic ones, okay? If you look at, like I said, the love songs and the movie roles and the gifts that guys shower women with and what happens to guys when a relationship breaks up, it's men that are the the romantics in that kind of idealistic, I call it Disney romance sense because they need the affection. That's that's what they're looking for. Whereas women are more pragmatic, a relationship ends, they'll find the guy that was waiting in the wings, they'll start thinking about who else is gonna look after their kids, etcetera etcetera. She's looking for the provider. She's not out to get the affection. She's the one who gives the affection. And you see this, I'm just about to put a YouTube video out on this actually, you see this in what in science is called public displays of affection, PDAs. It definitely applies to to game in the evolutionary biology sense. And that is looking at couples when you're out and about. Especially look at new couples who are quote unquote in love, all starry eyed. Look out for hand holding, hugging arms around each other, snogging their faces off, whatever. Public shows of affection. Now the biological explanation of this is mate guarding. You're telling everybody else, hey, this is my partner. To stop mate poaching, which is another person, man or woman coming along and taking your partner. Now you'll often see, as I saw on the bus from the airport to here, it's the guy in a relationship. I'm not talking about physical escalation when you're trying to seduce her, I'm talking about when you're in a couple. It's the guy who's clinging onto the girl, he's snuggling up to her, he's leaning into her. This guy on the bus was, oh, it was really gross and not only I noticed this but the old lady next to me was shaking her head. There was a couple in front of us and he was just all over, like slobbering all over this girl who I guess was his girlfriend. She was trying to lean away. By the end of it her face was pressed into the bus window, she couldn't escape from him and it was just really weird because that shows you that the guy thinks she has higher value, the guy is super needy and supplicating, he's completely flooded with this need for affection. It was like him snuggling up to his mum when he's a baby, you know, wanting to be breastfed. It was so bizarre. And he's displaying to everybody else his low value because if he thinks that she's got higher value, well there you go. It's a value display and he clearly thinks that that's his only chance in life to spread his DNA. She is the one, know, it's that romantic ideal. Now I always say to guys if you've got a bit of that oneitis or he had a lot of that oneitis, what the daygame or game coaches say to that? Well they say like, I say to my students, go out and get abundance. Know, do daygame, go on a lot of dates, have a lot of sex. But that still doesn't stop guys, having these massive affection needs, right? You can test this with your friend or with yourself or I've given myself that advice, you know, after a bit of a break up you go out, you have a lot of sex and still you find yourself affected by that drug, oxytocin. Why is that? That's because the sex, the random casual sex and dating, that's just given you, remember the adrenaline, the dopamine and the serotonin highs. It's not giving you the oxytocin addiction, the affection addiction. So what you need, as sixty says in relationship roulette, if you want to be a perpetual player, if you want to be a badass, if you want to be the Chuck Norris of daygame and dating in the mojo dojo, as I call it, you need affection, from lots and lots of different sources. Now, that might be lots of open relationships. In street hustle, I talk about why open relationships are a bit of a myth really because all girls will eventually try and cut your balls off and turn it turn it into something monogamous. They'll come and go. They'll fall off the radar. Every girl has this biological drive even if she's a stripper or a bisexual, not a transsexual. But you know what I mean. So open relationships and harem's, they're they're fun, they're great, they do give you affection for a while but then you'll see some of those girls and then eventually all of those girls leaving things in your house, leaving things by the bed, staying overnight and spending more time with you. It just creeps in. It's a slippery slope. And that's why even players with bisexual girlfriends or players that are running a hurrying game, they eventually settle down with one girl. She's the girl who's pushing her agenda the hardest. So when I say affection sources like 60 says, that doesn't mean just snuggling in a relationship, that means any pure feminine energy just like you get or you got from your mum, that's great because she does love you unconditionally. You're not part of your mum's agenda unless you're in Cornwall or Wales or in the Deep South and you know, you're sleeping with your mum but you know what I mean. You can get that feminine energy from your mum, you can get it from your grandmother, you can get it from any woman in your life. She doesn't have to be hot, not at all, can be really old, be a friend of your grandma's or your mom's and they're just showering you with that feminine energy. They're cooking for you, they're looking after you, they're just clucking around you which is nice for a little bit. A sister, nieces, anything where you get that feminine energy, that's good because as I've said in a tweet somewhere, loneliness is the price a player pays for his long term freedom. No one's denying that it's great to be a player, it's great to have all this free time but the downside of this, I especially feel this often in the evenings when it's dark outside is loneliness because you'd like to snuggle up to someone, you'd like to hug and watch a movie. So redefine what love is, you you don't have to see it in terms of Disney love. Redefine love as getting this affection from multiple sources and don't be afraid of seeing love as something much wider. So I see it as love in terms of male bonding. Again, disclaimer, it's not what you're thinking you dirty bastards. I mean your friendships with guys, yeah, your compatriots. Women don't do friendships very well. Actually if you look at it, it's very catty and bitchy, yeah but men, we can. So really look after your friendships, think of the rat pack, especially in game it's very easy if you're going out with a lot of wings to find male companionship, not of the soho sort but just going out, having a beer, sharing your woes, travelling together, talking, that's all good. What else? Oh yeah, I've scribbled down dog. I was looking at this word for the past five minutes thinking what the fuck, why have I written dog? No, I don't mean angry manners for your guy, call him women. Dogs! I mean getting a dog, getting a pet, looking after somebody else's pet, dog walking, for me it's all about dogs, I love them. They give you that unconditional love. It's beautiful, so stroking a dog, taking it for a walk, spending time with it, that gives you this lovely warmth of affection. But most importantly as I preach all the time, game is great, learning this skill is great, it's vital to be a man but it's just the carrot on the stick, yeah? It's the Trojan horse in two, drum roll, having a life outside of women. Shock horror. There's more to life than banging birds. Of course there isn't, that's why I do things when I travel like snorkeling and grabbing life by the horns in other ways, not just the horny horns. So have a really rich life, a really fulfilled life that is more than women. Otherwise you're gonna just spend all the time thinking about women and red pill stuff and male female dynamics and a lot of guys get very depressed by it, yeah. When you learn the truths of mating and dating, certainly when I read for the first time The Selfish Gene at university, I just saw life as utterly bleak because you think, well, that Disney romance doesn't exist anymore and men get really bitter like I've said, it's called the bitter taste of the red pill because they don't take action, just read all this stuff, they listen to podcasts, sit there thinking, oh no, my dream of saving that girl on the horse, it's not true. All those love songs, they're not true. So they go online and they just post, they rant, they get really, really angry, that leads to a really dark place because you hate women, you hate life, there's a group of men that just say: Oh fuck it, fuck women completely, they're just manipulative, there's a conspiracy against us and they just run for the hills. And they lose out ironically on the thing that we all need which is affection. And like I've said, you don't just need affection from, you don't have to get affection from this Disney romance. Affection is important. Don't believe the tough guy, don't believe the player who says no I don't need it, I just bang bitches. Of course they do. That's why they spend time with their sister, with their mum, that's why they make friends with girls they've already fucked. Disclaimer, you can't be friends with a girl who's hot, who you haven't fucked, you snake seduction bastard but you can. Once you've got the sexual tension out of way, you've slept with a girl for a while, she's been part of your open relationship, then she's just cool, then you can hang out with her. I used to have a really wonderful female friend who was lesbian. She was beautiful but we did so much adventure and stuff together. Sadly she passed away but she was fantastic because she had that feminine energy, she brought that feminine warmth and glow to my life and we had so many good times, so much fun together, so much travelling, we used to go climbing, we used to go surfing and camping and to gigs together. I really, really miss her but that's a good example of not saying women are bitches and manipulative but just embracing it but without being that needy, Disney, guy. Yep. I'll finish with a quote from one of my favorite movies. It's a little bit cheesy but thinking about this topic made me think about this quote in terms of having a life outside of women that's rich and getting your affection from lots of other sources. It's from the movie Shawshank Redemption when Andy Dufresne says, get busy living or get busy dying. That really is the choice when you're listening to these podcasts, reading about this stuff getting into daygame and street hustling. You can either learn the true nature of how the world works and get really angry, get busy dying, you know, get really negative and rant and moan and just destroy your vibe, everybody's vibe around you. It's just a bleak ending. There's it's really hard to recover if you go far down that road or get busy living. Right? Just rock on. Be a as they'd say up here, be a viking. Alright? Realize that you shape your world. This sounds cheesy and motivational but it is true. What you want your reality to be, you can shape that. You literally are creating your world. All you need is strength of will and bold repeated action. I'm all about the action, grabbing life by the horns, that's what Shawshank Redemption is about. That's why it's such a popular film, it touches so many people because that's what this is about. You know, we're world makers. Alright? And as Lemmy, who's recently passed away, the singer, now the ex singer obviously from Motorhead, he said, do it hard, do it fast and do it loud. And watch some documentaries about Lemmy on YouTube. I was doing this days after he died. He died between Christmas and New Year. He was a guy who never married and he was a guy who grabbed life by the horns. He certainly got his affection needs from his bandmates and the crew that he toured with and he had women in his life but he never married, he never lost that drive to get busy living. So I'll leave it there, that ended pretty deeply but a lot to think about. That was podcast 43, Affection Addiction.